For the first time I had difficulty finding our baby's heartbeat. I searched for a few minutes and finally found a heartbeat however up to 180 and faint to hear. A few minutes of rest and I searched again, still challenging however was at 150 where it usually is.
Worried about fetal distress, I called the doctor's office and spoke with the on call line where I was advised to go to L&D to get checked out just to make sure everything was ok. I also called another hospital where we are considering transferring our care to, since we are not patients there yet I was advised to go where we are currently receiving our care.
I was told by several people that fetal demise is common in Trisomy 18 babies, that should have been enough to lower my spirits however I know our daughter is a fighter and I was worried something could be wrong. It did not feel like it was the day she was supposed to move on, however being cautious I wanted to make sure. It can be difficult to trust your instincts sometimes.
Because I was told I could bring my partner with me or a support person we contacted family, arranged child care for our son, and finally were on our way to the medical center. Once we arrived we entered through the ER entrance, where advised to go without realizing the main entrance was open and that would have been easier for us. Walked in, temperature check, bag checks, medal detectors, and then a call to L&D from the staff while we waited to go up.
The look of the medical center hallways and rooms remind me of movies where the halls are lined and ready to be zipped up in case of an outbreak, it was quite an experience to say the least.
When the nurse arrived to take me up we were told that my husband couldn't go up with me and he would have to wait unless I was admitted. Understanding of the reasons why, upset by being told wrong beforehand, my husband went to wait in the car and I went up to L&D, alone.
Dressed down to a gown, blanket to keep me warm, hooked up to a machine to monitor for contractions and fetal heartbeat, I did my best to remain calm and relax. I was by myself with my nurse and the on-call doctor walking in and out while monitoring, I was there for about one hour.
Between answering questions and feeling our little fighter kick the monitors on my belly, time felt like it passed quickly.
Fetal movements have been less consistent during this pregnancy with our miracle rainbow baby, and over the last several days I had experienced less movement during the night. The one thing that was helpful before is that if I sat up in bed or ate a cracker and drank some water I usually would feel a movement or kicks, now I was feeling nothing and felt like a void was there instead of our baby. This is why when I awoke yesterday with a feeling something was wrong and couldn't feel movement or find a heartbeat easily, I worried.
We were finally discharged because there was no sign of early labor, my water wasn't breaking, no contractions, strong heartbeats with movement and kicks. A report would be sent to my midwife and a record of my visit on file for the future. Basically I had a stress test and we passed with flying colors.
For the remainder the of day this little girl did her best to show just how there and thriving she was, still today as I write this she is moving and kicking little by little.
I've been told by some that they don't know how I can do this or that they don't know how they could do this if it were them...
Here is what I say to those in return if it helps ease your mind.
- Sometimes we don't have a choice, this baby is still alive and growing and I'm still a mom to our first rainbow child who is 6 years old. I can't just give up.
- Each day is a gift with our miracle baby, she is a blessing to our lives and here for a reason.
- If we had not lost our identical twins 8 years ago I don't feel I would have been prepared for this moment and it would be a lot more difficult for me to endure. We have also lost multiple babies early on in the last 3 years, I've been able to continue forward through the pain and loss, and have not lost my positivity.
- The pain is still there and I cry or tear up often, however I don't give up hope, I have to believe in the dream of being able to meet our daughter and spending as much time with us as possible.
- Will saying goodbye be difficult? Yes. It will break a part of our family that will never be the same ever again.
- As we heal over time the scar of loss will still remain.
- Speaking our daughter's name, talking about her life no matter how brief will mean the world to me. It will mean a lot to all our family, especially to our son because that is his baby sister.
- Please don't shut me or our family out because this makes you uncomfortable, we all grieve in our own way.
- Our family will need support, we will need to see people even if we don't want to, our son will need his family and his friends.
Our son has some big emotions and we are trying our best to support him while he grieves with us. We all grieve because the future as a family of four will eventually be taken from us. Time together is limited, this is true. Right now our daughter is very much alive and with us. Her life is important. We value this moment and each moving forward and love this baby with all our heart.
Do you believe in miracles? I know I want to. Holding onto Hope.
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