Photos during and after the storm of loss, November 21st 2021

 

These are photos of myself, one taken last December 2020 deep during the storm of loss, and one taken this past week November 2021.

I’ve come to a point in my life where I can look back 20+ years ago and fully understand that person and their choices. Even who I was in all the years in-between.

I feel like I can see inside the box, outside the box, all the angles, places in between, and through the box.

I feel much more at peace.

Perhaps it has to do with 19 years of physical and emotional hardship. Experiencing the challenges in life will force you to look inward, and it will either help you grow or break you.

Proper support goes a long way too. I feel like if you experience a hardship and don’t have the support needed, that what life brings you can cause jaded feelings and resentment.

However with positive support, your community, your family, your friends, even people you don’t know who want to help. With all of those support persons life can feel easier to triumph.

This past year we have had an incredible community of support, prior to loss and after child loss. I can say that I have healed more fully with the amount we have received.

I reached goals I didn’t know would be possible. Looking back I was able to accomplish what I wanted to achieve, like with pumping and donating in memory of Noelle, all thanks to the desire to and belief in myself, and positive support from others.

I like who I am now. I’m still growing, finding myself, and learning to give myself much more grace.

Saying thank you more and apologizing less. One simply does not to apologize for every moment, especially when an apology isn’t necessary. However saying thank you, when accepting help and getting off my “pride horse”, has allowed me to stay grounded. Turns out, many people love to help, by saying yes it shows that these important persons are needed and appreciated.

I feel like much of the world has turned into a busy place filled with distractions and opinions that try to influence us and our decision making.

From the beginning of the Internet being available to the public in their homes for a low monthly cost, digital social media presence was born and even though strong opinions and groups already existed, there was still a sense of privacy.

Then smart phones became available,... most people I know these days have this type of technology. Internet available any time we want, ready to use right away.

The last several decades I have watched people become more separated, and more opinionated.

Through it all I’ve somehow stayed grounded. The optimistic realist is what I call myself. Hopeful for the best and prepared for the worst, you never know what life will bring you.

I feel we all generally want what is best for others. However some people also want others to do what they want for themselves, that is where conflict can come into the equation.

Respecting difference of opinion and personal choices can be hard to do. Social media has tried to influence decisions without our realizing at times. Promoting what we follow or are interested in, ads, sales, politics, religion,... therefore we may feel called to talk about it more or share our feelings and opinions openly or even harshly.

Again, staying grounded is key for me.

I look back at who I was a year ago, so uncertain of the future. Holding onto Hope, a page I made during pregnancy with Noelle, and one that still has a lot of meaning to me a year later. There is always room to hold onto hope for the present and future.

During the storm of loss I felt exactly that, lost. Little by little I have found myself again thanks to the community of support we received, all the people I let into our lives, the experiences we had together as a family, and decisions made this year to help with healing.

I feel like I can see the difference in one year and my smiles are not forced like they were then either.

I am still concerned about December as it's filled with anniversaries, losses in womb, births, our loss after birth, rough postpartum. However I know with my community here with me, our friends and family, I will make it through.

Thank you for listening. May these holidays be peaceful and gentle to you. Remember to be kind to yourself. You are not alone.