After a challenging time pumping tonight, and thinking on the evening we had as a family. Our son trying an activity he’s not done before, laser tag with a friend for his birthday. Turns out it was a frightening experience for him and he didn’t like it.
And then talking about how one of our son’s friends is going to be a big brother… He said he wasn’t a big brother and we quickly corrected him. He will always be a big brother to his sister Noelle. The only difference is she is not here with us.
It’s clear to me that we are still grieving and working through the emotions of loss. Time to finally put a time on the calendar for a remembrance ceremony in Noelle’s honor. Long overdue.
And then while sitting back before getting up to wash pump parts and go to bed, suddenly a feeling came to me, phantom kicks… Oh my how they brought a moment of panic over me with a rush of feelings. I haven’t had phantom kicks in years and since the loss of our twins. 
I still haven’t brought myself the courage to write in my hand written journal, not really… Typing out these words feels much easier than writing in my journal. I’m so thankful I wrote in it as long as I did though. One day I’ll look back and read through, and hopefully be able to smile while remembering our months together with Noelle before she left us.
It is Sunday now… Happy Bereaved Mother’s Day. May today be gentle to you and bring you some peace. Know you’re not alone. And may the stars twinkle as your angels say hello, the breeze give you the strength to take another step forward, and your angels visit you on the wings of a butterfly.
Thank you Noelle. You’ve taught me so many things. Most of all you’ve helped me heal while grieving your loss. You are and were a beautiful and incredible miracle. I will never forget you. Thank you for choosing our family and being a part of our lives. I love you! Forever and ever! 💓
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