This week was the first I almost didn't want to have my grief counseling session because I over-peopled myself this past weekend.
After about a year and a half we finally saw our families from the other side of the state and that took a lot of energy out of me.
It felt like there was an expectation to be cheerful or that I needed to show that I was moving forward... I am moving forward, don't have a way around that obviously.
What hurts is oftentimes others who've not experienced the worst loss, it seems as though it is more comfortable for them if you don't talk about your loss and show that you're ok by doing something to distract yourself, find a hobby, an activity, get out of the house. Yes all valid and positive suggestions... However people who are grieving also appreciate validation and talking about their loss and the loved ones they are missing.
I suppose I wish it would have been mentioned more this past weekend, asking how we are doing, talking about the pregnancy, talking about our loss, mentioning Noelle. And no I don't want to force anyone into that conversation, it is best if it is fluid and natural. I just wish it wouldn't feel like I shouldn't talk about our daughter because it may make other people feel uncomfortable.
Yes this past year took a lot away from meany people and I'm sure the year 2020 is one that is not desired to be discussed... even still...
If our daughter had lived longer, other people would have gotten to know her and be a part of her life, then yes, they may want to talk about her... Just like people talk about friends, older siblings, parents or grandparents. You had more time with that individual and therefore you may want to talk about them.
I spent nine months with our daughter while she was growing within me and then born and lived with us for less than half a day before she died. I want the opportunity to talk about her and honor her too, her life was just as important.
It was also hard for me not feeling like I could take care of pumping milk within a timely fashion either, yes I should just trust myself and do it when I need to do it. However I also appreciate feeling like I'm supported too, and for some reason or another I did not feel that much at all this past weekend. I just need to gain that confidence, easier said than done. Words that are coming to me right now... read the room. Yes a part of that, however I should feel like I trust in myself to do what I need to.
My joy was being able to hand deliver the milk I pumped that weekend to the recipient family. Pure happiness doing that and knowing that the little one receiving this milk will get what they need. That was my Mother's Day present. <3
So yes, I'm peopled out this week, this weekend was too much social activity for me. It is hard to say that and admit that I don't want to be around a large group of people.
Talking about this today during my grief counseling session was helpful.
It was Mother's Day weekend. I am a mother to Noelle. I am a mother to our living child. And I am a mother to all our other babies gone too soon. I wish it had felt more special to me however it just doesn't right now.
Grief is hard, losing a child (the worst loss) is life changing. Continuing to live with your child in your heart instead of your arms,... that is not how it is supposed to be.
If you're reading this and have had no idea what to say to someone who's experienced loss, that is ok. Saying you're sorry for their loss, you're there for them, if you want to help them in any fashion be it help with meals, cooking, cleaning, or if they have other children help with childcare if you want,... and just being there to listen and talk about who they lost if that person wants to, and say their baby's name, means the world.
I know I'm thankful for each and every person who's taken that extra step to be there for us, talk about Noelle and our other babies gone too soon, and walk beside us while we heal from loss.
No this loss is not your own however showing you are there means more than you know.
Life continues forward if we like it or not, what many who are healing remember most are who was there for us when the world was at it's darkest. Those are the people who we want to be there to celebrate with us when life is at it's brightest.
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