Blog entry - Holding onto Hope
I find it challenging sometimes as I realize each week I’m taking the brick wall of protection that’s around my heart down...
I don’t want to forget those fleeting hours with Noelle. I already don’t remember how her weight felt in my arms and the smell of her skin. I barely remember the sound of her voice, although her one and only cry before she passed is engraved in my mind forever.
It’s hard to walk this path. Life continues forward without her. I’m still healing from surgery and muscle loss and extreme fatigue I had the first few weeks.
My memory is terrible these days. I have to write things down or I forget. I wish I would have written down every moment or taken more photos, at least lots of videos so I would not forget. Photographs and videos are my triggers that help me remember.
Social distancing for one year, having Covid last summer, going through an emotional pregnancy, birth and child loss has been beyond the icing on the cake. It’s been a glitter you can’t get out of the cracks on the floor.
I miss our family, I miss giving hugs or handshakes to people. I don’t like having a feeling of anxiety being around a large group of people, or worrying about the other long hauler symptoms of Covid...
I don’t consider myself a social person anymore, although I like to talk with those I’m comfortable around. When I seek out support or companionship from other people it’s pushing myself out of the comfort zone I’ve created out of safety from this past year.
I have wanted to write more and oftentimes compose in my mind, then forgetting to jot down on paper later.
I feel this pandemic has changed many people, it’s not just myself.
A challenging pregnancy and child loss,.. there are no exact words that can describe this feeling.
I’m doing my best. I’m putting myself out there. I get up every day, dress myself, eat, stay hydrated, care for my family, pump milk every day and donate breastmilk monthly. I’m trying to move forward.
The past can’t be changed and I don’t want to dwell on it. The past is a learning lesson, the future is uncertain, the only thing for sure is the present moment. Moment by moment, minute by minute, hour by hour.
Missing Noelle. Want to arrange a remembrance memorial in her memory once the weather is consistently warm. Wish for all who have been touched by our story and her life to be there with us and celebrate her life.
This path is not one I wish anyone to walk and here I am, wading through as best I can.
I dream of having another child and watching them grow up. I also fear of losing that future child and being known as the mother of angels with one living rainbow. ...I can not allow fear to tarnish the hope I hold in my heart.
Thank you for your continued support for our family. The first week and second with those reaching out, busy boxes with activities for our son, meals delivered to make sure we don’t have to worry about food to eat, meant the world to us all.
I didn’t mention I felt we still needed that into January or beyond, however I feel I do still need support. We all do.
Solace House in Kansas City has been comforting. Grief support virtually is not the same however thankful we have it.
I should probably take this post and blog it, like many others too as it may serve as a better journal in the future. Until then these are my thoughts and feelings in this moment.
Thank you for listening.
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