Blog entry - December 27th 2020

 Blog entry - Holding onto Hope

Had some big emotions as I was trying to fall asleep when it all hit me again. I never was able to breastfeed Noelle. She never showed signs of hunger. I was told I could try however what I should have been told was “let’s try and see”, “let’s do this..” At least then we would have known if she would have or not and I wouldn’t be living with this haunting me.

I wasn’t able to breastfeed the way I needed to early with our son and that directly impacted, along with other circumstances, our breastfeeding journey.

The one thing I wanted to do with Noelle was be able to breastfeed her. It was so very important to me however I feel others who were supporting us didn’t understand how important it was. If so then I feel things may have been different.

The late night what-ifs came creeping into the room and stumbled upon me... What if we had delivered early, what if late? What if we had gone skin to skin right away and then the first moment we could place her right to the breast? At least let her smell me and see if she wanted nourishment from her mother...

This may not be a topic all are comfortable with and that’s ok. Know this is one of importance to me and human milk feeding means a lot to me.

So what I’m trying to do is envision that moment, no I can’t change anything or bring her back to me. I’m just trying to envision her nursing with me. I feel it would have been a peaceful moment for us both.

Much love to all the parents who never got to experience that nursing / breastfeeding / human-milk-feeding moment with your babies. You’re not alone in those feelings you’ve had. It’s ok to talk about it. And this is a safe place to talk.