Did you know that 11 weeks ago we had no idea that day would arrive. I haven't wanted to write about it and finally have managed the strength today to finally sit down, to confront the fact that you were born, you lived, and you died.
I can feel the tears in my eyes and they will fall down my cheeks in a moment... And as I breathe there they go, releasing my breath and releasing tears for you.
You were born on December 16th, 2020, at 2:57pm. Our beautiful daughter, 5 pounds and 5 ounces of pure incredible beauty, you were perfect. If we didn't know you had Trisomy 18 we may have never met you, knowing that our time with you was limited before you were born was a blessing and a curse. We prayed for more time because we knew it was possible, we just didn't know we would only get a few hours before you took your last breath and left us.
I have not wanted to write in this blog, I know I said that already however it's true. Talking about it on the Facebook page in your memory is one thing, saying it here is another. It makes it real.
11 Weeks. I can't believe it has been that long since you were born. We didn't anticipate having you via a cesarean however you were breech, sitting butt down the last month of pregnancy, only turned once and then flipped back around. My blood pressure wouldn't calm when it needed, then again because told you wouldn't flip back down and the risks of going forward can elevate the worry a little. Yes you would turn side to side and stretch and kick or punch, just not where you needed to be to be born vaginally.
I wish you would have opened your eyes when you got to meet your big brother, he was so in awe of you. He got to hold you, touch you, look at your little precious hands and feet, your tiny ears, nose and mouth. You looked so like him that it was incredible. Ok... more tears falling.
About ten hours after you were born your body gave up the fight, Trisomy 18 won, and you died. Oh how it hurts to write that. So many tears right now. You left us on December 17th at 12:52am. Laying on my chest, your father and I holding you with our hands. We were not ready to say goodbye. And you know what, I'm still not ready.
Ok... I said goodbye to you then, then days later, then the visitation before you were cremated... I have said goodbye to you so many times. It is so hard to let go and move forward without you. Life continues, my surgical scar has healed, my body continues to gain it's strength back, my heart and my mind are taking a little bit longer. Losing you was so traumatic, I know that now.
We started going to a virtual grief support group, one for adults and your brother started going to one for children. It is helping a little bit. We are on the waiting list for individual grief counseling.
I started pumping your milk while in the hospital, I even placed a drop of colostrum on you before you were taken away from our room... I so wanted to breastfeed you, I should have tried. I should have been told "let's try and see" instead of "you can try..." I'm mourning the loss of missed opportunities and memories that never could be made.
The last few months before you were born people would say to me that they didn't know how they could be strong like me, or that I was so strong... Or they didn't know if they could go through what I was or how was I able to do this... I just did, I didn't have a choice. After all I am still a mother to your big brother.
Since you were born I decided to do what I talked about from the beginning, pump milk. Since I wasn't able to breastfeed you then I would pump your milk and donate it to babies who have a need, and give in your memory. It's so important to me for those who receive your milk know a small bit of your life and your story. The milk pumped is with love and I can feel you with me every time I express it. I feel it is my last current physical connection to you. I've been working hard the two months too, dedicating time to building what I could express and see where this journey takes me.
I have goals in mind for my heart while healing. After all you were with us for 9 months and about 10 hours. So my first goal was to pump milk for 9 to 10 hours, then 9 to 10 days, then 9 to 10 weeks, and then 9 to 10 months. I experienced a whirlwind of emotions surrounding this pumping journey, from expectations being set high, to putting too much pressure on myself, to tears over what I felt I should have done, then finally to grace and allowing myself to come to peace with whatever I would pump would be what it would be... Don't mistake I still stress from time to time and try not to self sabotage with not pumping at the right time or missing pumps. I am trying to move forward and this is helping me heal. What I wasn't able to do with your big sisters after their loss about 8 years ago.
Unsure how often I'll write in this blog. I haven't even written about your loss in my written journal. Too raw. I want to write your birth story before I forget it. My memory has been pretty terrible and that could be due to many circumstances. I don't want to forget you, I know I will never forget you.Noelle, we named you Noelle. It was the song 'The First Noel' that came to me when I learned that your expected due date was changing back to December 24th, it felt like a sign, meant to be. And during the entire pregnancy what was constant was that we were holding onto hope. It also felt meant to be that you were named after family, your first middle name Alberta is after your Great Grandma Alberta, and your second middle name is Hope because we always held onto hope for you. Noelle Alberta Hope. Our little peanut, our beautiful daughter, you were perfection.
I am having a hard time writing much more however now that I have after months of silence I know I will again. Your story is too special not to share.
Thank you for choosing us to be your family, for being in our lives, for holding onto life so we may get a moment to know you, for being able to meet your big brother, for being everything we hoped for and wanted. If we are so lucky hopefully one day we will be able to tell your story to another sibling, and share how very special you were to us while watching them grow up with your big brother. But see I'm getting ahead of myself, I'm not ready for that moment to happen yet, even though I very much am. I feel like I have much more healing to do before going through another pregnancy and birth. Perhaps this healing that I need to move forward to starting again will be a few weeks, perhaps a few months or more, I just don't know. What I do know is that our family is not complete and we miss you.
It has been a long time since I've cried these many tears. I donated more of your milk today. It felt so wonderful to do so. Your milk has helped several babies so far.
I love you Noelle, forever and ever. Thank you for making me a mother again. Thank you for everything you gave to us. You were and are incredible. We will never forget you.
Love,
Your Momma <3
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