As I write this I can feel her moving while wearing the new abdominal binder to try and keep her from swimming so freely.
Concerns about her not being able to get into birthing position and a repeat cesarean.
However this time around I feel less worried because it sounds like we are in a positive place that will take all our prior concerns and birthing experiences into consideration and work hard to make sure our baby girl is taken care of, and that I will be ok too.
My largest fear for myself is another postpartum hemorrhage. Many things that were supposed to happen to prevent such an occurrence simply didn't the first and especially the second time around.
Our first birth with our twins after the passed was a swimming pool also, however that time our babies were already gone and couldn't move how they needed to. My placenta was only about 18 weeks along and simply not ready to release, after and overnight and continued hours into the morning of back labor my water finally broke and our daughters were born. Like a POP in my spine suddenly the pain medicines given and epidural were working at full capacity like they were meant to be. Birthing the placenta would be the most challenging thing ahead and it took about one hour to do so.
Our second birth was one of frustration, my body simply wasn't ready yet. After another induction and several hours later I wasn't where I needed to be, doctors worried about stress on our baby, and feeling of guilt and pressure about continuing forward with worries of having an emergency cesarean. So we went forward with an unplanned cesarean. With being asleep for the surgery my memory isn't as vivid as I would like. After sharing my story with other practitioners it sounds like methods that should have been put into place after a failed induction, simply didn't happen. My first memory I have after waking up is holding our son alive and handing him to his father, the second memory I have is being in our private room and having the worst contractions and hemorrhaging. The experience was traumatic enough that I required a blood transfusion.
We had our own challenges after our second birth of course. Every step we took during labor and birth directly impacted breastfeeding and recovery. During our third birth we are feeling more confident about our care and that the measures put in place will do it's best to help both baby girl and myself.
Speaking of that swimming pool, hopefully baby girl continues to thrive within it. The placenta provides nutrition needed, that her Trisomy 18 doesn't prevent her from growing. We know that there is more fluid than hoped for and that growth restriction is a real concern.
Unfortunately our birth may not be what we wanted, however I'm beginning to come to peace about it. Our ultimate goal is to have our baby girl, alive and bring her home to be with us.
This is the hardest path we've ever had to walk, planning for life and death.
Keep swimming little miracle baby. We want to meet you, bring you home and watch you grow up for as long as you're with us. <3
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