Walking Two Different Paths, Planning for Life and Death

Today I had my midwife appointment and we discussed several important things. This pregnancy is now considered high risk, my care will look differently from here on out. 

I may have our care transferred to a new team of doctors at another hospital where they can better care for a newborn with special needs. This is not what we were anticipating and I dearly love where I have been throughout this pregnancy with the doctors I've seen and the medical center I've been at. 

I have many phone calls ahead of me, appointments, specialists, finding an understanding family care doctor or pediatrician for our daughter. Planning for a chance of bringing our daughter home after birth and planning for a funeral and cremation. 

From here on out we have to walk two different paths. This is not normal for families to have to do and here we are. 

As I carry this miracle of ours I continue to hold onto hope. Hope for our baby to make it to birth, hope that she will continue forward with us as long as she can before she crosses over and becomes our angel. 

Most important to us is that our son meets his little sister after she is born and gets to spend as much time with her. We want to be wherever that can be possible. As well as bereavement and comfort care, sibling care, etc. 

I shed tears often these days because of hormones and because this journey has become an emotional roller coaster. I also smile more when I feel her movements and her kicks. 

The downside with carrying a child with Trisomy 18 is that you can experience days where you don't feel very much movement due to the baby having low muscle tone or being smaller for their gestational age. Knowing that your time together is limited, that last movement or kick you felt hours ago could have been the very last and your baby crosses over. 

The upside for carrying a child with Trisomy 18 is every day is a blessing, every movement, every kick, hiccup. It is the gift you never knew you could experience carrying a child that has a limited time living on Earth. 

This child of ours is here for a reason. She is loved unconditionally. 

Our Miracle

Holding onto Hope.