32 Weeks ?!

 

Yesterday involved a long day of appointments, detailed ultrasound, a lot of information, and six and a half hours of my day, plus travel time to and from. 

I learned quite a bit, took pages of notes, and between appointments twiddled my thumbs and paced the floors. The kindness I received was amazing, our concerns and our wishes validated, and many questioned answered by a caring team of professionals. 

We hope to have one more similar appointment like this at another facility and with any luck will be able to know which medical center will best for birth and care afterwards. 

It is difficult to decide what is best for our family and our little girl. Now considered high risk carrying a Full Trisomy 18 baby who has VSD, and the unknowns of what will happen next. Knowing one office recognizes the risks of past births and the reality that it could happen again, I feel that the opportunity to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) slipping away. It is not impossible, just realizing the risks that come with a vaginal birth with our little girl. Our miracle rainbow baby girl. <3 

I learned that my original EDD (estimated due date) may have been miscalculated this entire time. We continue to be reminded that Trisomy babies are often smaller. Any ultrasound appointment prior to nine weeks apparently is not as accurate and therefore any variance of 5 days or less should stick to the original EDD. Keeping that in mind it looks like I'm actually 32 weeks pregnant today, instead of 31 weeks and 2 days. When my EDD changed the first time it took me awhile to adjust to the difference of time. Five little days. And here we are again with the knowledge that our sweet baby girl is estimated to be due the day before Christmas. 

I haven't blogged in days. It has been a busy week. Much on my mind. Now 32 weeks, 8 weeks away from this little girl's birthday or less if she arrives earlier. 

Today I used the home Doppler and it eased my heart. Comforting and healing feeling her movements, kicks, and listening to her heartbeats. It all feels so surreal. 

We continue to hold onto hope, for as much time with our daughter, making memories together, being a family of four as long as possible. We appreciate all the thoughts and prayers, positivity and love our family has received. 

We received a precious gift yesterday and we plan to give it to our son. The doctor's office gave us a Heartbeat Bear, designed by Build-A-Bear Workshop and Catherine Cares. 

"Heartbeat Bears, designed by Build-A-Bear Workshop and Catherine Cares, are provided to families of babies and children who receive a life threatening diagnosis. Our bears come with a recording device within a pocket on the side of the bear. For babies, when a life threatening prenatal or newborn diagnosis is given, our hospital partners record the baby’s heartbeat on the device during an ultrasound. For older children, a sweet message, the sound of laughter or other comforting messages can be recorded to give the family hope and comfort through a difficult journey. Catherine Cares Heartbeat Bears are a cherished treasure for families."

Our son will receive this gift soon and be able to listen to his baby sister's heartbeats any time he wants. I hope this helps bring him some comfort. 

All we want is for our son to spend as much time with his baby sister as possible, hold her, feed her, talk to her, sing to her, take photos and make memories together. This will be one memorable experience and one filled with eventual heartbreak at a date we do not know. 

Our time together may be limited however it is time, something our family has been blessed with. How am I able to do this? If it would not have been for our identical twin daughters we lost about eight years ago, having our first rainbow child, the multiple early losses the last few years, I don't know if I could get through these days as easily. 

I remind myself that this is not the end, this is a season, a chapter, a moment, time that we will never forget. And through my tears as my heart breaks talking about the unknown, with being completely open and honest with you... How do I do this every day and how am I continuing to stay so strong? I just do... I do this for myself, for our son, for our family, for this amazingly beautiful girl we will be having soon. I am able to continue forward because I know this is not the end, this is a beginning, a precious and wonderful experience filled with celebration and heartbreak. This is the story of our miracle. She has impacted so many lives and means so very much to our family. She is here in our lives for a reason. She is our miracle, holding onto hope. <3